Friday 8th June 2018
Liverpool don’t believe the summer is a marathon and are sprinting into the new season. Lyon will sell them Nabil Fekir, 24, if the price is right: Jurgen Klopp, come on down!
And the quota of tubby Albanian-born Swiss internationals on Merseyside is set to increase by one with Liverpool interested in Stoke City winger Xherdan Shaqiri, 26.
Now keep up with this one. Roberto Firmino claims Alisson Becker, 25, is ready to quit Roma for Anfield as he’s been asking about life on Merseyside…
…but Liverpool really want Bayer Leverkusen stopper Bernd ‘Jay’ Leno, 26, for £22m. You’d think they would be scared off of German goalkeepers, but no…
Real Madrid will finally land David de Gea, 27, this summer! The only snag is that Manchester United must sign Jan Oblak, 25, from Atletico Madrid.
Juventus striker Gonzalo Higuain, 30, opened the door to a move to England and Chelsea barged right through it.
Manchester United are one of three clubs to bid £35m for Benfica midfielder Anderson Talisca, 24. The others are from the Chinese Super League, natch.
Arsenal are leading the race of one club to sign RB Leipzig defender Lukas Klostermann, 22.
Crystal Palace are teaching Marseille a valuable lesson: success comes at a price. So too does Hiroki Sakai, 28, and the Eagles are ready to pay it.
Manchester United are looking to sign a back-up for Romelu Lukaku, 25, and if he can play left-back, so much the better…
It’s unlikely to be Marko Arnautovic. The 29-year-old is valued at £60m by West Ham…
…and they need the money. Lazio want £44m for Felipe Anderson, 25, with talks between the two clubs ongoing…
…with the Hammers so impoverished that they are talking to former Manchester misery guts Yaya Toure, 35, about his fantabulous £1 per week salary.
Manchester United are talking to Tottenham about Toby Alderweireld, 29, but refuse to pay the £55m the homeless club are demanding.
Tottenham offered Chelsea outside in the fight for £45m-rated Newcastle United captain Jamaal Lascelles, 24.
To console themselves, the Magpies will spend £40m on Aston Villa midfielder Jack Grealish, 22…
… and replace Lascelles with walking tattoo Martin Skrtel, 33, who is out of contract with Fenerbahce this summer.
Arsenal offered Yacine Adli, 17, a three-year deal after the midfielder rejected a contract from Paris St-Germain.
And according to the Portuguese media, Arsenal offered £26m Sporting Clube Gelson Martins, 23, but it’s been turned down. Apparently.
A Bola – in Portuguese
Finally, someone’s been at the grappa. It says here that Parma are interested in signing Stoke City striker Peter Crouch, 37. No, seriously…